Tag Archives: love

3 Years Blogging. 25 Before 25.

This post will probably take me quite a while to write. Maybe I shouldn’t put everything all in one post, and maybe I will end up splitting this up at some point, but for now, here goes nothing.

I have had this blog for going on three years. I suppose I started it around the same time I decided I was to propose to my then girlfriend, now domestic partner. Oh boy did we not expect to be where we are today three years ago. We have been through so much.

What I really want to talk about though, is this: In about a week and a half, I will be 24. Three months after that, my father will turn 50 and that, my dear mathematicians means that next year, when I turn 25 and finally getting my BA/starting my Masters? my father will be  exactly twice my age and I will be the age he was when I was born. It seems like that should be such a bizarre concept to me, but really, it makes sense. My dad was definitely a mid-twenties/early thirties kind of dad. In that, I mean I never felt like he was soooo much older than me. We had intellectual discussions, he allowed me to make my own decisions, even if he fought them the whole way. He grew as I grew, and we grow together. What does feel weird is that I’m not there yet. I’m not where he was when he was 24, of course in some ways I’m past where he was I suppose.

When he was 24 he was living in a co-op household attic, my mother was almost five years older than him, and lived right across the attic. He had just graduated with his BA in Environmental Studies and was working on a farm. I think I’ve told this story before, but just in case we need a refresher… His father was dying and his girlfriend (my mother) found out she was pregnant, the same week. They moved up to Mendocino with dreams of starting a blueberry farm, but instead lived in a little one-room cottage with no electricity and my mother, pregnant and living with an incurable disease that causes really poor circulation to extremities, absolutely hating every second of the cold. My dad’s best friend – his dog midnight, was stolen one night while they were eating dinner, and eventually they had had enough. They moved back to their community, rented a little house, I was born. He got a job with the county as a planner and six months later they got married. Typical early 90s life right? Two years later they were divorced. I don’t want to be divorced before I turn 30.

I don’t want to be divorced period.

Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy for the people I have gained in my life because my parents divorced. But generally, divorces are not so easy. For my parents, well, my family is unique. Divorce in my family seems to just mean an addition to the family, no retractions, but still. I don’t want to get divorced.

I wound up so off track I have to remind myself to rein it in.

I wanted this post to be about the things I want to do or accomplish before I turn 25 because I know the year will flash by in a hurry or seem to drag on until it is over. I so badly wanted to put “create life”, “have a baby” on this list of mine. It’s been on my “to do before, or at 25” for as long as I can remember. I guess I just assumed somewhere in my head that would be the natural progression… I get married at 24-25 and then have kids immediately. That’s not what my parents drilled into me, the opposite is true, but I somehow just assumed that would be my life. Reflection is an interesting and dangerous thing. We have solid plans now and that makes my heart rest a little easier, having the goals, the stepping-stones that have to be crossed. Of course the best laid plans right? Such is life, especially our life.

dance

Here goes 25, before 25:

  1. Take ME time, and US time.
  2. Run a 5k
  3. Take a walk to the beach at least once a week.
  4. Re-learn the cello
  5. Visit a country I’ve never been to
  6. Take an “electronic-free” day at least once a month.
  7. Choose 5 accomplishable tasks every week and complete them.
  8. Finish our “first year” scrapbook, almost four years later.
  9. Read two books per quarter that are not required reading.
  10. Play a duet with my partner
  11. Start a community garden near our apartment and/or Plant a garden for my grandparents
  12. Hike 7 falls again
  13. Take the kayaks out
  14. Keep our bedroom clean for a month
  15. Paint a picture
  16. Make a new friend
  17. Get a cat
  18. Find a doable volunteer position and go once a week.
  19. Fly a kite
  20. Take a dance class
  21. Visit my godson
  22. Prioritize music & friendships – Go to a friend’s show at least every other month.
  23. Minimize the STUFF (get rid of things I don’t need), de-clutter.
  24. Call my nonbio-still-completely-siblings, more frequently.
  25. Dance in the rain.
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Filed under family, friendships, growing up, Married Life, Politics is Personal, Work

Little moments, Big gestures

The past few months I felt as though my wife and I had these great little moments but our day-to-day interactions were just friendly/civil and perhaps we weren’t connecting the way we should be. I started to question why, if it was just the stress, or our inability to handle stress together, or did we suddenly just hate each other?! What the hell happened?

I realized somewhere along the way, as it was getting closer to Valentine’s Day, that I hadn’t been paying enough attention to her. Not that this was the sole issue, but I noticed. I ask her how her day is, and then butt in with how annoyed/stressful/tiring mine was and then we get on our separate computers and forget about each other for the rest of the night… Or so it seemed.

For Valentine’s Day I bought a big giant puzzle – she likes mind games, I can’t stand playing hardly any game against her because she always wins by at least 100 points, and what’s the point in playing if there is exactly ZERO chance of winning? I at least want to think I have a chance no? – I digress. I bought 1000 piece puzzle for us to do together and then frame in our new apartment. An accomplishable project for us to as a team. Then I bought some flowers and she made us a packed lunch, I met her at her office and we took off to the beach for a quick lunch in the sand. Seriously, it was so easy, we could probably do it once a week at least and it was just a nice relaxing, let’s remember why we love each other moment. Also there were about 10 other couples of all ages walking or picnicking which didn’t hurt the feeling of love in the afternoon air either.

She wrote me a really truly from the heart card, and I said some ridiculous things, as is my nature. And then I told her she was getting a full-body massage, from me. “What?! But you’ll be tired, etc etc.” No, I said. You deserve it, and I want to.

I’ve been thinking about this. I hadn’t felt very emotionally attached and whenever I can provide that relaxation and give that amount of love to her, I feel so much more connected, spiritually, emotionally, sexually.

So a few nights ago, I told her it was time at least a warm-up massage, a shortened version of the full massage I want to give her. I massaged her neck and her chest, her arms and her hands, her scalp and even her face and her ears. And then, well, this isn’t that kind of blog, but we had a really good night, and we connected more than we have in weeks.

I’m putting more effort into it, I’m thinking about why we fell in love with each other and the little things I used to do just to say that incredible smile, or make her notice me, when I notice myself doing these things again, I also notice the ways she notices, and all the ways in which I love her, and all the ways in which she loves me.

We’ve been together less than four years, and domestic partners less than a year, but we have been through so much sometimes it feels like twenty, so I am committing to remembering to do the little things, to notice, to appreciate, to touch, to care, to love.

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Dreaming little dreams.

I have this problem that right about when it’s time to be falling asleep, connecting with dreamland, I get antsy. Or creative, or I have an idea. Lately my go-to has been looking at places for rent that keeps me from going insane here. It is time for us to venture out on our own again. Not necessarily without some housemates, but I am ready for our own furniture again, the comfort of our dishes that we bought together in our first apartment, the mugs of hot chocolate that got us through very, very cold winters, and a home that says people in their mid-twenties live here, not retirees. I am ready to schedule meals around the veggies that we once grew in our garden, I am ready to garden again. I am ready to prepare meals for friends again, and ready to keep the house below 75 degrees. I need to keep this thought alive so that I can keep caring for my grandparents as lovingly as I can muster, making plans to make sure I don’t do this forever.

Putting it out into the universe,dreamingofhome

I envision a home somewhat close to where we live, which we may share with laid back people closer to our age, perhaps a kiddo or two in the mix, space for a garden and a kitchen to share lots of meals. I envision a house that we may grow in for the next few years, a place to call our home. A place where my wife can feel free to play music with other musicians or on her own, a place like the co-op I once grew up in. Meals shared from gardens, music shared through time, art from the residents. I’m making this place-holder here. Where I am free to daydream.

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Timing

Putting my godson to bed

I haven’t posted lately because I haven’t had anything productive to say, and if I don’t have anything productive to say it starts to sound like whining rather than blogging. Right now, if I even see a baby on television or a high chair in our living room leftover from a friend visiting, my uterus aches. Physically aches. I have always wanted a child, always known I am meant to be a parent. This is different, this is painful. Knowing I can’t do anything about it, knowing I can’t be a parent yet, because we don’t have the right parts? And because we don’t have the right parts we have to be deemed “ready” by the courts and or the various agencies for adoption. I think it’s more though, it is as if my body inherently knows I’m ready. We’re not ready monetarily, we’re probably not ready as a couple, we certainly aren’t ready as far as providing for any future children, but I’m ready. No one is ever really ready I suppose, and there are so many things I am not ready for, but children? I was born so I could care for others. It is in my bones.

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Filed under family, growing up, Married Life, Politics is Personal

Grandma & I

Grandma & I

Life lately – Her hair started falling out about a week after chemo started. We had already made the appointment and grandma’s hairdresser refused to charge us. She said “It’s my way of fighting cancer.”

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National Coming Out Day. 10/11/12

Stopping by to say a quick “Happy National Coming Out Day!”

On Sunday K and I will celebrate three years together. I will not say that every day has been wonderful, we have had our fair share of hospital stays, and out-of-state moves, of confusion and frustration, and through it all we love each other deeply. We make each other laugh, we can still make each other smile until our cheeks hurt from smiling, we can cry and scream and lean on each other. At the end of the day we support each other fully. Our relationship is not perfect, none are, but we keep going, every day. So on this National Coming Out Day, I just want to say, I love you K. Thank you for loving me.

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October 11, 2012 · 11:10 pm

Taking Care of Myself

Lately life has been a whirlwind of ups and downs, of feeling completely on top of the world “I can do anything” feelings of power and potential, and then the world comes crashing to a halt for one reason or another and I realize I can’t do it all. It’s like the world pops in to tell me “No, No, No… This is not sustainable… See what could go wrong?” And then I have to readjust, re-claim, re-invent. Right now, in the midst of grandparent’s doctors appointments, and signing our domestic partnership forms, and learning my mother’s father and his wife also need a huge amount of extra help and we’re all learning what that entails, and changing Opa’s diapers and making sure he doesn’t say anything inappropriate to my wife(!), and learning all the amazing things he has done in his life, and attempting to figure out what the hell is EATING my grandmother’s bones (yes, I said eating, no it’s not her osteoporosis, doc is running a thousand tests), and writing research papers, and studying, and making dinner for everyone, and laundry, and grocery shopping, and oh yeah going to work….   Somewhere in there, I have to make time for myself. I have to go to the gym, I have to spend half an hour just sitting, I have to give my wife the attention she deserves, I need to find my balance. I need to find that balance very soon, because right now, right now I feel like there are not enough hours in the day and not enough days in the week to get everything done and stay sane.

Right now, for this week, I am okay.   This week I fed everyone dinners, I picked up prescriptions, and drove to doctor’s appointments, and went to work. I did laundry and no one ran out of underwear or socks. I went grocery shopping and spent the most amount of money I have ever spent in one trip, and maybe we were out of eggs and bananas but we certainly weren’t starving. We’re all learning to adjust to Grandma not going to the store everyday and getting used to my cooking, and those are all good things. This week we made it through.

Thursday I called my mother, and this is what I said:

“You have your choice, Saturday or Sunday you are coming over to cook dinner for your mom and Opa. I don’t care which night it is, but you have to pick one.”

She was a little confused, so I said “Wife and I are having a date night, you are coming over to make dinner while we are gone.”

I think it got through to her, I wasn’t up for much of a discussion on the matter. Her and her boyfriend are making the grandparents dinner tomorrow night, wife and I are going on a date.

If you dare try to take my date night away from me this week, the world will see my wrath.

Sweet dreams universe.

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