Tag Archives: gay

My Grandmother

Upon hearing that my wife and I are splitting up, and that I might possibly someday want to consider going back to school to become a Rabbi. She said, “K will always be apart of our family, because you loved her and because we love her.” I know Grandma. I love her too, we just can’t be together. She said “Of course you can be a Rabbi, this is not such a crazy idea.”

So we talk. Then last night a few hours after our lunch, she sends me two emails, with one link in each email, no other text the first one is this:
and the second one is this:

Now, I don’t know if my grandmother ever knew that I thought for a time I might be trans, or if she just knows Queer Judaism are as intertwined into my soul as anything. She’s not one for big heart-to-hearts but she is my liberal southern Grandma and I love her with all my heart.


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Filed under Divorce?, family, gender, Politics is Personal, Religion

3 Years Blogging. 25 Before 25.

This post will probably take me quite a while to write. Maybe I shouldn’t put everything all in one post, and maybe I will end up splitting this up at some point, but for now, here goes nothing.

I have had this blog for going on three years. I suppose I started it around the same time I decided I was to propose to my then girlfriend, now domestic partner. Oh boy did we not expect to be where we are today three years ago. We have been through so much.

What I really want to talk about though, is this: In about a week and a half, I will be 24. Three months after that, my father will turn 50 and that, my dear mathematicians means that next year, when I turn 25 and finally getting my BA/starting my Masters? my father will be  exactly twice my age and I will be the age he was when I was born. It seems like that should be such a bizarre concept to me, but really, it makes sense. My dad was definitely a mid-twenties/early thirties kind of dad. In that, I mean I never felt like he was soooo much older than me. We had intellectual discussions, he allowed me to make my own decisions, even if he fought them the whole way. He grew as I grew, and we grow together. What does feel weird is that I’m not there yet. I’m not where he was when he was 24, of course in some ways I’m past where he was I suppose.

When he was 24 he was living in a co-op household attic, my mother was almost five years older than him, and lived right across the attic. He had just graduated with his BA in Environmental Studies and was working on a farm. I think I’ve told this story before, but just in case we need a refresher… His father was dying and his girlfriend (my mother) found out she was pregnant, the same week. They moved up to Mendocino with dreams of starting a blueberry farm, but instead lived in a little one-room cottage with no electricity and my mother, pregnant and living with an incurable disease that causes really poor circulation to extremities, absolutely hating every second of the cold. My dad’s best friend – his dog midnight, was stolen one night while they were eating dinner, and eventually they had had enough. They moved back to their community, rented a little house, I was born. He got a job with the county as a planner and six months later they got married. Typical early 90s life right? Two years later they were divorced. I don’t want to be divorced before I turn 30.

I don’t want to be divorced period.

Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy for the people I have gained in my life because my parents divorced. But generally, divorces are not so easy. For my parents, well, my family is unique. Divorce in my family seems to just mean an addition to the family, no retractions, but still. I don’t want to get divorced.

I wound up so off track I have to remind myself to rein it in.

I wanted this post to be about the things I want to do or accomplish before I turn 25 because I know the year will flash by in a hurry or seem to drag on until it is over. I so badly wanted to put “create life”, “have a baby” on this list of mine. It’s been on my “to do before, or at 25” for as long as I can remember. I guess I just assumed somewhere in my head that would be the natural progression… I get married at 24-25 and then have kids immediately. That’s not what my parents drilled into me, the opposite is true, but I somehow just assumed that would be my life. Reflection is an interesting and dangerous thing. We have solid plans now and that makes my heart rest a little easier, having the goals, the stepping-stones that have to be crossed. Of course the best laid plans right? Such is life, especially our life.


Here goes 25, before 25:

  1. Take ME time, and US time.
  2. Run a 5k
  3. Take a walk to the beach at least once a week.
  4. Re-learn the cello
  5. Visit a country I’ve never been to
  6. Take an “electronic-free” day at least once a month.
  7. Choose 5 accomplishable tasks every week and complete them.
  8. Finish our “first year” scrapbook, almost four years later.
  9. Read two books per quarter that are not required reading.
  10. Play a duet with my partner
  11. Start a community garden near our apartment and/or Plant a garden for my grandparents
  12. Hike 7 falls again
  13. Take the kayaks out
  14. Keep our bedroom clean for a month
  15. Paint a picture
  16. Make a new friend
  17. Get a cat
  18. Find a doable volunteer position and go once a week.
  19. Fly a kite
  20. Take a dance class
  21. Visit my godson
  22. Prioritize music & friendships – Go to a friend’s show at least every other month.
  23. Minimize the STUFF (get rid of things I don’t need), de-clutter.
  24. Call my nonbio-still-completely-siblings, more frequently.
  25. Dance in the rain.

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Filed under family, friendships, growing up, Married Life, Politics is Personal, Work

Little moments, Big gestures

The past few months I felt as though my wife and I had these great little moments but our day-to-day interactions were just friendly/civil and perhaps we weren’t connecting the way we should be. I started to question why, if it was just the stress, or our inability to handle stress together, or did we suddenly just hate each other?! What the hell happened?

I realized somewhere along the way, as it was getting closer to Valentine’s Day, that I hadn’t been paying enough attention to her. Not that this was the sole issue, but I noticed. I ask her how her day is, and then butt in with how annoyed/stressful/tiring mine was and then we get on our separate computers and forget about each other for the rest of the night… Or so it seemed.

For Valentine’s Day I bought a big giant puzzle – she likes mind games, I can’t stand playing hardly any game against her because she always wins by at least 100 points, and what’s the point in playing if there is exactly ZERO chance of winning? I at least want to think I have a chance no? – I digress. I bought 1000 piece puzzle for us to do together and then frame in our new apartment. An accomplishable project for us to as a team. Then I bought some flowers and she made us a packed lunch, I met her at her office and we took off to the beach for a quick lunch in the sand. Seriously, it was so easy, we could probably do it once a week at least and it was just a nice relaxing, let’s remember why we love each other moment. Also there were about 10 other couples of all ages walking or picnicking which didn’t hurt the feeling of love in the afternoon air either.

She wrote me a really truly from the heart card, and I said some ridiculous things, as is my nature. And then I told her she was getting a full-body massage, from me. “What?! But you’ll be tired, etc etc.” No, I said. You deserve it, and I want to.

I’ve been thinking about this. I hadn’t felt very emotionally attached and whenever I can provide that relaxation and give that amount of love to her, I feel so much more connected, spiritually, emotionally, sexually.

So a few nights ago, I told her it was time at least a warm-up massage, a shortened version of the full massage I want to give her. I massaged her neck and her chest, her arms and her hands, her scalp and even her face and her ears. And then, well, this isn’t that kind of blog, but we had a really good night, and we connected more than we have in weeks.

I’m putting more effort into it, I’m thinking about why we fell in love with each other and the little things I used to do just to say that incredible smile, or make her notice me, when I notice myself doing these things again, I also notice the ways she notices, and all the ways in which I love her, and all the ways in which she loves me.

We’ve been together less than four years, and domestic partners less than a year, but we have been through so much sometimes it feels like twenty, so I am committing to remembering to do the little things, to notice, to appreciate, to touch, to care, to love.

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Filed under family, Married Life


Putting my godson to bed

I haven’t posted lately because I haven’t had anything productive to say, and if I don’t have anything productive to say it starts to sound like whining rather than blogging. Right now, if I even see a baby on television or a high chair in our living room leftover from a friend visiting, my uterus aches. Physically aches. I have always wanted a child, always known I am meant to be a parent. This is different, this is painful. Knowing I can’t do anything about it, knowing I can’t be a parent yet, because we don’t have the right parts? And because we don’t have the right parts we have to be deemed “ready” by the courts and or the various agencies for adoption. I think it’s more though, it is as if my body inherently knows I’m ready. We’re not ready monetarily, we’re probably not ready as a couple, we certainly aren’t ready as far as providing for any future children, but I’m ready. No one is ever really ready I suppose, and there are so many things I am not ready for, but children? I was born so I could care for others. It is in my bones.

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Filed under family, growing up, Married Life, Politics is Personal

Immediate Election Day Gut Reactions

We Voted

Okay, I can breathe… President Obama for another four years. Tammy Baldwin voted FIRST LGBT person elected to the Senate. Maine and Maryland just VOTED for marriage equality, with Washington on the way. It looks like Minnesota is on the right track to defeat an anti-gay marriage proposition there.

We’re still waiting on some important propositions here in California, but right now in this instant, I feel really good about the state of the country. Women said no, you cannot dictate what happens to my body. The people said that we matter, that it is important we treat everyone fairly, equally. There is still so much work to be done, but tonight I feel empowered.


–Update— 11.10.12 There are now TEN states that have legalized marriage equality. Booya!

Also, this means I will still have health insurance in January, thank you Mr. President.

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Filed under Politics is Personal

National Coming Out Day. 10/11/12

Stopping by to say a quick “Happy National Coming Out Day!”

On Sunday K and I will celebrate three years together. I will not say that every day has been wonderful, we have had our fair share of hospital stays, and out-of-state moves, of confusion and frustration, and through it all we love each other deeply. We make each other laugh, we can still make each other smile until our cheeks hurt from smiling, we can cry and scream and lean on each other. At the end of the day we support each other fully. Our relationship is not perfect, none are, but we keep going, every day. So on this National Coming Out Day, I just want to say, I love you K. Thank you for loving me.

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October 11, 2012 · 11:10 pm

Being Jewish and…

I think I’ve come to realize that for Jewish families the only thing important is that you remain Jewish and remain a family. Little else can shock the family. For instance, when I came out to my father, who is studying to be a Rabbi, we were sitting in the driveway of his house, the Jeep Grand Cherokee probably still running, or maybe turned off in the middle of an awkward sentence like we do when we suddenly realize this may be a longer conversation that originally planned. You see I hadn’t planned on telling him I was gay, actually I don’t think I did. I think I had just finished telling him that the guy he really wanted me to spend the rest of my life with was actually no longer my boyfriend because I really actually had a crush on this girl with pink streaks in her hair and that I was confused and that it might be possible that I might be gay… And this is what he told me after a long pause “Honey I will always love you no matter what but I think I would rather you marry a Jewish woman than a non-Jewish man.” Of course it is years later and I happen to have met and fell in love with a non-religious definitely not Jewish woman and again my father and I had to have a conversation which went something like this… I really really love her Papa and I think she may be the one… “Is she Jewish?” Well no, but she supports me and loves me. “Oh… Would she be willing to convert?” Well actually Papa I have no interest in asking her to convert she is spiritual and participates in Jewish ritual with me and loves learning…. This conversation was not actually one conversation but many over the space of at least a year and will probably continue to take place especially because he will be performing the ceremony but the next part of the conversation, months later, after I proposed, went something like this: “You know I love the home that you and Kacie have created together, you’re really good together. Will you raise your children Jewish at least? Can you promise me that?” And I told him that we would, but that it would be our version of Judaism, because he always told me to question authority, to argue with God and to find my own meaning in Jewish teachings.

And if you’re reading this you may think, well that is just your story, why are you insinuating that’s everyone else’s experience? Well of course I am not trying to do any such thing but it seems to be a popular theme. I’m currently reading Aaron Raz Link’s book “What Becomes You” and I just finished reading the section in which he tells the very first family member, his cousin, that his name is now Aaron and at first the cousin thinks that Aaron meant Erin as in Irish or Catholic or something and he freaks out, but then reason that it’s A a r o n, sighs with relief and understanding and says, well as long as you’re still Jewish.

It’s all about our Jewish identity and passing along the Jewish story to the next generation that matters. Who you are, who you love, even having tattoos, can all be forgiven as long as you remember the people who came before you and the Jewish story, remember that you are Jewish even if it’s not a religious practice for you anymore, it’s your culture, your history, your people.

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Filed under Engaged Life, family, gender, growing up, Politics is Personal, Reading, Religion