Tag Archives: children

3 Years Blogging. 25 Before 25.

This post will probably take me quite a while to write. Maybe I shouldn’t put everything all in one post, and maybe I will end up splitting this up at some point, but for now, here goes nothing.

I have had this blog for going on three years. I suppose I started it around the same time I decided I was to propose to my then girlfriend, now domestic partner. Oh boy did we not expect to be where we are today three years ago. We have been through so much.

What I really want to talk about though, is this: In about a week and a half, I will be 24. Three months after that, my father will turn 50 and that, my dear mathematicians means that next year, when I turn 25 and finally getting my BA/starting my Masters? my father will be  exactly twice my age and I will be the age he was when I was born. It seems like that should be such a bizarre concept to me, but really, it makes sense. My dad was definitely a mid-twenties/early thirties kind of dad. In that, I mean I never felt like he was soooo much older than me. We had intellectual discussions, he allowed me to make my own decisions, even if he fought them the whole way. He grew as I grew, and we grow together. What does feel weird is that I’m not there yet. I’m not where he was when he was 24, of course in some ways I’m past where he was I suppose.

When he was 24 he was living in a co-op household attic, my mother was almost five years older than him, and lived right across the attic. He had just graduated with his BA in Environmental Studies and was working on a farm. I think I’ve told this story before, but just in case we need a refresher… His father was dying and his girlfriend (my mother) found out she was pregnant, the same week. They moved up to Mendocino with dreams of starting a blueberry farm, but instead lived in a little one-room cottage with no electricity and my mother, pregnant and living with an incurable disease that causes really poor circulation to extremities, absolutely hating every second of the cold. My dad’s best friend – his dog midnight, was stolen one night while they were eating dinner, and eventually they had had enough. They moved back to their community, rented a little house, I was born. He got a job with the county as a planner and six months later they got married. Typical early 90s life right? Two years later they were divorced. I don’t want to be divorced before I turn 30.

I don’t want to be divorced period.

Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy for the people I have gained in my life because my parents divorced. But generally, divorces are not so easy. For my parents, well, my family is unique. Divorce in my family seems to just mean an addition to the family, no retractions, but still. I don’t want to get divorced.

I wound up so off track I have to remind myself to rein it in.

I wanted this post to be about the things I want to do or accomplish before I turn 25 because I know the year will flash by in a hurry or seem to drag on until it is over. I so badly wanted to put “create life”, “have a baby” on this list of mine. It’s been on my “to do before, or at 25” for as long as I can remember. I guess I just assumed somewhere in my head that would be the natural progression… I get married at 24-25 and then have kids immediately. That’s not what my parents drilled into me, the opposite is true, but I somehow just assumed that would be my life. Reflection is an interesting and dangerous thing. We have solid plans now and that makes my heart rest a little easier, having the goals, the stepping-stones that have to be crossed. Of course the best laid plans right? Such is life, especially our life.

dance

Here goes 25, before 25:

  1. Take ME time, and US time.
  2. Run a 5k
  3. Take a walk to the beach at least once a week.
  4. Re-learn the cello
  5. Visit a country I’ve never been to
  6. Take an “electronic-free” day at least once a month.
  7. Choose 5 accomplishable tasks every week and complete them.
  8. Finish our “first year” scrapbook, almost four years later.
  9. Read two books per quarter that are not required reading.
  10. Play a duet with my partner
  11. Start a community garden near our apartment and/or Plant a garden for my grandparents
  12. Hike 7 falls again
  13. Take the kayaks out
  14. Keep our bedroom clean for a month
  15. Paint a picture
  16. Make a new friend
  17. Get a cat
  18. Find a doable volunteer position and go once a week.
  19. Fly a kite
  20. Take a dance class
  21. Visit my godson
  22. Prioritize music & friendships – Go to a friend’s show at least every other month.
  23. Minimize the STUFF (get rid of things I don’t need), de-clutter.
  24. Call my nonbio-still-completely-siblings, more frequently.
  25. Dance in the rain.
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Filed under family, friendships, growing up, Married Life, Politics is Personal, Work

Timing

Putting my godson to bed

I haven’t posted lately because I haven’t had anything productive to say, and if I don’t have anything productive to say it starts to sound like whining rather than blogging. Right now, if I even see a baby on television or a high chair in our living room leftover from a friend visiting, my uterus aches. Physically aches. I have always wanted a child, always known I am meant to be a parent. This is different, this is painful. Knowing I can’t do anything about it, knowing I can’t be a parent yet, because we don’t have the right parts? And because we don’t have the right parts we have to be deemed “ready” by the courts and or the various agencies for adoption. I think it’s more though, it is as if my body inherently knows I’m ready. We’re not ready monetarily, we’re probably not ready as a couple, we certainly aren’t ready as far as providing for any future children, but I’m ready. No one is ever really ready I suppose, and there are so many things I am not ready for, but children? I was born so I could care for others. It is in my bones.

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Morphology – A stream of consciousness?

This blog has really changed from where it began. I don’t write often and won’t ever promise to, but the shape of it has changed from this queer young twenty-something trying to figure out gender to a mid-twenty-something, still just trying to figure out where they belong in this life. Some days it feels like I am really old, as if I have no more energy than what it absolutely necessary to accomplish the tasks of the day, sometimes less. Other days I feel as though if I were to only leave this house for a moment I could tackle the world head on with nothing stopping me. I love being able to take care of my grandparents. I feel like my life has purpose, they need me, I have challenges and tasks that need accomplishing. I am an adult. I have responsibilities. My life does not function very well when I don’t have a set of objectives to accomplish; and yet as the months go by and my friends have babies and more babies, sometimes I swear the whole world is out there having kids and I have too much on my plate with too little to offer a child and we have to be deemed “ready, responsible, mature” because we can’t just have a good old fashioned lay-in-the-sack-hapyaccident happens naturally. Not for lack of trying, surely. I think this post may come across feeling angry, or even selfish, but truly I do not mean it that way.

I know myself, I know myself well enough to know that I am ready to have a child. My situation may not be ideal, my partner certainly is not ready. But me? I have been ready. I’ve known since before I knew anything else that I wanted to be a parent. My highschool boyfriend and broke up and got back together so many times I can’t even count because I wasn’t ready to give up that idea of having a family the “easy” way. I know, I know, there is no “easy” way. But when your friends from highschool are all having kids and some on kid number two, it’s easy to feel like we’ll never get there. They’re lives are certainly NOT easy, but who expects having a kid to be easy?

Right now, I have two grandparents and a house much too big to take care of, but that’s my life, I chose this, I choose this for right now. Someday I’ll have my chance. Someday I’ll be the great parent I know I can be.

In the meantime… I’m playing “housewife”, my wife doesn’t like this term to describe me, she feels that doesn’t cover what I do… She calls it “housegrandkidding…” or something similar, whatever that means. There is no term for us is there? People like us all to fit in boxes, hell I sometimes want a category I can belong to, “Queer”, “Jewish”, “Grandkid”. We’re in this awkward stage in life, somewhere between young adult and just plain adult right? What is a twenty-something queer stay-at-home grandkid supposed to call themselves anyhow? Not yet a parent, but in charge of a very busy, very medical household? Titles… Someone think of a better one for me okay?

Just a couple short things to remember:

I love my grandparents

I will never, not ever, have a house that takes two hours to vaccum. No thank you.

(Momentarily interrupted by a PIC line that just didn’t want to flow. I certainly get my fair share of medical experience.)  

I vow this year to complain less, vent more, love more, do more, be more.

And most importantly, remember that I am number one.

I don’t think this post made much sense, if any, streams of consciousness always end up sounding more like ranting don’t they? I should really come up with a list of topics I would like to address here, that would help me organize myself, possibly. Not sure even where this post really started…

Take care.

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Tired

Maryland’s Marriage Equality Bill was just recommitted to committee… I didn’t understand what that meant either so don’t feel bad. Basically it means we didn’t get enough votes to get marriage and that it’ll probably be another year before anything happens. So unless DOMA is repealed and the federal government says gay marriage is legal we won’t be legally getting married in Maryland Summer 2012. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, maybe I shouldn’t have started picturing what our wedding at Wye Island or Swallow Falls or Tuckahoe or Deep Creek could look like, but I did. I know that our wedding will be everything that we want it to be no matter where it is, but we really, really want it to be legal. And it’s not. Marriage for us is not legal in either of our home states and that makes me really angry and hurt and torn up inside. And I’m tired.

I’m tired of having to know the legal mumbo-jumbo and what this vote means or that ruling means or where it has to go next. I’m tired of knowing that all of you support and love us but we can’t get married in either of our home states. I’m tired of being excited and let down. I’m tired of having to protest and call and email for such basic rights.

We’re all just really tired. I’m almost twenty-two and most of you have been fighting for equal protections for decades and I know you’re tired too. We’re tired of fighting to keep our jobs or get jobs, we’re tired of fighting to be included in protection bills and housing legislation. We’re tired of fighting for marriage rights and immigration rights. We’re tired of being excluded. We’re tired of explaining and tired of arguing and tired of reading about statistics and tired of dying and tired of being persecuted. We’re tired.

I don’t have any quick fixes or long-term fixes. I know eventually the arc of the moral universe bends towards justice but I want my rights now. I want our family to be protected. The entire Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transsexual Transgender 2Spirit Queer Questioning Intersex Ally family.

We’re just people. We’re really just people.

As a Maryland Delegate in the LGBT Caucus said today: “God said to me… I made you in my image.” We are all God’s creatures. Whichever God/Goddess/Energy/Ball of light You believe in. We are all holy.

Days like today are why we need Pride parades and parties and Gay Bars and LGBT centers and resource groups and school clubs and chat rooms and special websites dedicated to how awesome our weddings can be, blogs about LGBT families and raising children and fighting back against everything society taught you. We still need these resources because we’re still discriminated against, because we’re not equally represented in society. I don’t want to call my mom out, but she’s asked me before why I feel it’s so important to have these separate spaces. These special spaces. Why do I feel it’s important to have friends that are LGBT? This is why. Because we need to be able to be there for each other for celebrations of new relationships, of new legal ground, of a good day.

And we really, really need to be able to celebrate who we are when there are so many people who want to tell us it’s not okay to be who we are. That it’s not okay to celebrate our love. Well it is okay, in fact it’s a beautiful love.

Days like today are why I smile when I see rainbow stickers and queer couples in the streets, going about their day. Days like today are why I smile when I see someone who you know is queer from a mile away and smile when I see someone who doesn’t “look queer” in a queer relationship. We’re in this together. For the long-as-fuck hall.

 

I love you.

 

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Filed under Engaged Life, family, gender, Politics is Personal

Heroes & Role Models

Day 13: LGBT Role Models/Celebrities

Role Models: Maybe this sounds cliche. Maybe this isn’t what I’m supposed to say because it’s supposed to be a celebrity? My lgbt role models started when I was young. My dance teacher and his partner because growing up they were the only out gay couple I knew. They weren’t loud about it, as far as I know they still don’t go to family gatherings together, but they’re in love and have been together for almost twenty years I think. They show me Pride is important and beautiful and so is love.

Another Role Model is Robin McGehee, just a great mother turned activist. Fighting for her rights. I don’t necessarily believe in everything that she says. But she fights for what she believes in and that’s important.

All of the brave men and women, transfolk and genderbenders,  LGBT2QIA people, all of the alphabet soup people who come out of the closet even when it’s hard, in other countries or right here in the U.S. All of those that came out before I did, that came out publicly to take a stand, or came out quietly and let people know we’re not scary. All the people that took beatings and those that fought back, those that were peaceful, those that wrote letters, those that created new kinds of families. Those people are my role models. Also this new generation that’s growing up now, the ones who are so brave to stand up to homophobia in their high schools, in the junior highs, those that stand beside us because they just know it’s the right thing to do.

On that note, as far as celebrities go. My favorite celebrities are those that take a stand, that come out even when it may mean risking their job: Lt. Dan Choi and all the other brave soldiers fired under DADT, gay and lesbian actors and actresses who came out, who are coming out. Politicians who come out and don’t hide behind their political party.

Those are my role models. Goodnight.


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Day 10 – The M Word

I get to go see Ivan Coyote tonight in Seattle!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been watching YouTube videos of Ivan’s performances for the past two years, buying every book Ivan’s written or been apart of for the past year at least and ridiculously excited to finally be living just below Canada so all I have to do is drive the hour north to Seattle to see tonight’s show!!! Unfortunately my fiance has a meeting tonight so she can’t join me but maybe next time.

Day 10 – What does marriage mean to you?

Obviously I recently got engaged so marriage is important to me, but I grew up the product of divorced parents and have seen many marriages come together and end in divorce and eventually people find who they’re really looking for, or they don’t. Marriage for me, is about making a commitment to another person, that we are going to enter into this beautiful loving union together and we’re going to try are damnedest to stay together for our whole lives. We both know that it doesn’t always work out that way, but we’re promising that we will try. That we will remember what we love each other and hopefully, in the end, that outweighs any faults we may have. Marriage should come with some guaranteed rights and benefits and responsibilities but I think I’ve ranted enough about that in other blogs. I was going to link to one that was published on http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/ but I can’t find it, it was in March I believe…

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Filed under 30 Day Meme, Engaged Life, Politics is Personal, Religion