Category Archives: friendships

3 Years Blogging. 25 Before 25.

This post will probably take me quite a while to write. Maybe I shouldn’t put everything all in one post, and maybe I will end up splitting this up at some point, but for now, here goes nothing.

I have had this blog for going on three years. I suppose I started it around the same time I decided I was to propose to my then girlfriend, now domestic partner. Oh boy did we not expect to be where we are today three years ago. We have been through so much.

What I really want to talk about though, is this: In about a week and a half, I will be 24. Three months after that, my father will turn 50 and that, my dear mathematicians means that next year, when I turn 25 and finally getting my BA/starting my Masters? my father will be  exactly twice my age and I will be the age he was when I was born. It seems like that should be such a bizarre concept to me, but really, it makes sense. My dad was definitely a mid-twenties/early thirties kind of dad. In that, I mean I never felt like he was soooo much older than me. We had intellectual discussions, he allowed me to make my own decisions, even if he fought them the whole way. He grew as I grew, and we grow together. What does feel weird is that I’m not there yet. I’m not where he was when he was 24, of course in some ways I’m past where he was I suppose.

When he was 24 he was living in a co-op household attic, my mother was almost five years older than him, and lived right across the attic. He had just graduated with his BA in Environmental Studies and was working on a farm. I think I’ve told this story before, but just in case we need a refresher… His father was dying and his girlfriend (my mother) found out she was pregnant, the same week. They moved up to Mendocino with dreams of starting a blueberry farm, but instead lived in a little one-room cottage with no electricity and my mother, pregnant and living with an incurable disease that causes really poor circulation to extremities, absolutely hating every second of the cold. My dad’s best friend – his dog midnight, was stolen one night while they were eating dinner, and eventually they had had enough. They moved back to their community, rented a little house, I was born. He got a job with the county as a planner and six months later they got married. Typical early 90s life right? Two years later they were divorced. I don’t want to be divorced before I turn 30.

I don’t want to be divorced period.

Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy for the people I have gained in my life because my parents divorced. But generally, divorces are not so easy. For my parents, well, my family is unique. Divorce in my family seems to just mean an addition to the family, no retractions, but still. I don’t want to get divorced.

I wound up so off track I have to remind myself to rein it in.

I wanted this post to be about the things I want to do or accomplish before I turn 25 because I know the year will flash by in a hurry or seem to drag on until it is over. I so badly wanted to put “create life”, “have a baby” on this list of mine. It’s been on my “to do before, or at 25” for as long as I can remember. I guess I just assumed somewhere in my head that would be the natural progression… I get married at 24-25 and then have kids immediately. That’s not what my parents drilled into me, the opposite is true, but I somehow just assumed that would be my life. Reflection is an interesting and dangerous thing. We have solid plans now and that makes my heart rest a little easier, having the goals, the stepping-stones that have to be crossed. Of course the best laid plans right? Such is life, especially our life.


Here goes 25, before 25:

  1. Take ME time, and US time.
  2. Run a 5k
  3. Take a walk to the beach at least once a week.
  4. Re-learn the cello
  5. Visit a country I’ve never been to
  6. Take an “electronic-free” day at least once a month.
  7. Choose 5 accomplishable tasks every week and complete them.
  8. Finish our “first year” scrapbook, almost four years later.
  9. Read two books per quarter that are not required reading.
  10. Play a duet with my partner
  11. Start a community garden near our apartment and/or Plant a garden for my grandparents
  12. Hike 7 falls again
  13. Take the kayaks out
  14. Keep our bedroom clean for a month
  15. Paint a picture
  16. Make a new friend
  17. Get a cat
  18. Find a doable volunteer position and go once a week.
  19. Fly a kite
  20. Take a dance class
  21. Visit my godson
  22. Prioritize music & friendships – Go to a friend’s show at least every other month.
  23. Minimize the STUFF (get rid of things I don’t need), de-clutter.
  24. Call my nonbio-still-completely-siblings, more frequently.
  25. Dance in the rain.

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Filed under family, friendships, growing up, Married Life, Politics is Personal, Work

Engaged and Moving Across Country

I did it! I proposed and it was perfect and I am so in love. I won’t go in to all the hairy details unless people ask because that would take too long and right now I am simultaneously procrastinating packing because we are moving across country in a little over a week! Let’s just say she cried happy tears the whole way home and there will be photographic evidence of the proposal in a couple of weeks and leave it at that?

I must be really lucky to have found someone this amazing and supportive and all around awesome to be with. I can’t wait to share our lives together and I swore this post was going to be about stresses that we have in moving as a newly engaged gay couple as individuals, I was going to talk about things I find infuriating and sometimes amazing depending on my mood… like how people have to ask if it’s legal in the state we’re moving to (Answer: No, but domestic partnership is), if we want to have kids, who would have the kids (Sometimes I think this is an attempt to figure out who is the man/woman in the relationship) and the answer is…. COMPLICATED. And no it cannot be answered in the two minutes we have to talk about it.

I’m not going to talk about that tonight though. I’m just going to say that I’m in love and so lucky to have such an amazing fiance and such an amazing support system all around us.

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Filed under friendships, gender, growing up

Support System

When I first “came-out” it wasn’t that grand a statement, it was just “this is who I am, this is who I am dating.” I rarely had to come out to friends because I would just introduce so-and-so girlfriend at the time and ah-ha. Where I live now and also perhaps being in a much more committed relationship I find it harder to come-out. I feel a primal urge to protect our someday family from any outside negativity. This also sometimes retreats me into the closet for unknown reasons and at the same time attempt to fit in with the guys at the gym only to be pulled back in with the women who assume I can concur with all their husband grouching or teasing. We are not by any stretch of the imagination a “butch-femme” couple. I’d say we’re both neither femme nor entirely butch though perhaps we both lean towards the butch end of the spectrum? Sometimes, on somedays. I digress… The point is that we don’t fit into the heterosexual idea of what it is to be in a couple or what it is to be engaged or married because we just don’t fit into those stereotypes. Sure, she may end up wearing a sundress and I may end up wearing something along the lines of men’s formal wear. Perhaps. Or perhaps we’ll switch it up and make it a costume party. I’m rambling and avoiding what I really wanted to discuss with this here blog.

I don’t know if this is the result of moving 3,000 miles from liberal town, California to Middle-of-Nowhere Eastern-Shore of Maryland, getting older or jitters because I’ve basically already entered into a lifelong commitment with my girlfriend and about to be engaged, but I have become steadily less willing to expose our relationship to outside evils. That is to say I don’t want to hear it anymore. I don’t want questions on how the sex works. I don’t want stares from random strangers. I want smily happy good-for-you awesome people. I’ve been less likely to read news blogs, gay blogs any kind of gay-bashing legislation crap. I like my sheltered happy-go-lucky life. If it were only happy-go-lucky. I want to wake up and suddenly find out that gay marriage is legal, my friends don’t have to choose career or love, and it’s okay for my future wife and I to walk down the street in Podunk America holding hands or arms around each other.

I used to, just two years ago, run straight for any gay-rights protests and scream and yell and sit down in the middle of the street demanding our equality. I watched people’s faces get beat down into the concrete as they were screaming for their right to love. and now I’m too afraid to hold hands while we’re camping with co-workers? Some days I’m disgusted in myself. Other days I’m ridiculously proud to be in a relationship with who I am. She is amazing and beautiful and heartfelt, strong and poetic, smart and talented.

Please leave me in my dreamland for a little bit while I figure out why I’m suddenly afraid?

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